The humans reek of alcohol. The man and the woman are the worst, but the odour of it also clings to their adolescent sons. Despicable race, these humans. Of course there are currently forty or so of them in my house.
The evening began pleasantly. I returned from my post-afternoon nap gallivant, was served my food by the humans and curled by the sofa for a nice evening snooze. Everything was perfect, except for one or two unpleasant occasions when Libby, a boxer with questionable sanity, attempted to play with me. Juvenile idiot. I hope she grows out of it.
It was at about 8 o'clock that all hell broke loose. The doorbell rung. No matter how many times it happens, I will always hate the bell. For some Godforsaken reason beyond the understanding of sentient life-forms, dogs have to bark whenever the doorbell rings. There were currently four dogs in the house: Libby, the over-enthusiastic boxer who is this close to being lobotomized by me; Patch, a probable schizophrenic Border Collie puppy who alternately screams his head off and tries to eat me; Dame, a twelve year old Lhasa Apso, who despite being the smallest animal in the house is capable of subduing a boxer five times her size. Did I mention that she hates me?; and Cleo, a docile Cocker Spaniel who is probably the only sane creature in the house(apart from me).
While Libby, Patch and Dame started barking their heads off, and I cringed, Cleo trotted over to my sofa and sat beside me. "Who do you think it is?" she asked, with a slight inclination of her head. I didn't hear her because I was curled up muttering to myself: "Make it stop, oh, please make it stop!" When the insanity finally petered down, I lifted my head over the back of the sofa to see what abomination had caused the noise. A human. How I despise them...
The humans then preceded to initiate a tiresome ritual involving hugging each other and baring their teeth in a most grotesque way. The dogs, predictably, had gone from barking to attempting to have intercourse with the newcomer's leg. Patch, not more than four months old, tastelessly made love to a limb. The humans, all four of them having gathered, looked embarrassed and attempted to pull Patch off. Patch, most disgruntled at the incomplete session, looked around for a new partner. His eyes fell on me. Before you could say "here we go again" I bounded down the corridor to one of the adolescent's rooms. To be precise, the younger one's. i jumped onto his bed and made myself comfortable near his pillow. Just as I was about to resume my slumber, the doorbell rang again. I contemplated suicide. Decided it was not worth it. The doorbell then proceeded to ring thirty more times. Maybe it was...
As the concentration of humans began to increase, so did the intake of alcohol, noise and nonsense. Cleo, having had enough of the ribald carousing taking place outside, also joined me in my current haven. However, it wasn't long before the decadent humanity spilled over into the last sanctum of sanity in the house. It was time to make an exit. Skillfully dodging the animals in house, human and dog both, I made my way to the front door.
It was open! I prepared to make a dash to freedom when out of the middle of nowhere, a loud, high-pitched shriek pierced the air. "Esme!" I turned around, my heart heavy with trepidation. A stupid mistake. I should have made a run for it while I still could.
Another interesting phenomenon with humans is how crowds break up. You have men discussing petty matters of no consequence like whose SUV was better. They also make pathetic jokes; you have women swilling wine and keeping an eye on their respective mates. And you have the kids looking sullen and generally unhappy to be where they are. There is a highly volatile sub-group present among the children comprised of shrill, giggling girls, capable, if provoked, of genocide.Their attention was fixated on Libby and Patch until one of those lousy [CENSORED] girls spotted me.
The evening began pleasantly. I returned from my post-afternoon nap gallivant, was served my food by the humans and curled by the sofa for a nice evening snooze. Everything was perfect, except for one or two unpleasant occasions when Libby, a boxer with questionable sanity, attempted to play with me. Juvenile idiot. I hope she grows out of it.
It was at about 8 o'clock that all hell broke loose. The doorbell rung. No matter how many times it happens, I will always hate the bell. For some Godforsaken reason beyond the understanding of sentient life-forms, dogs have to bark whenever the doorbell rings. There were currently four dogs in the house: Libby, the over-enthusiastic boxer who is this close to being lobotomized by me; Patch, a probable schizophrenic Border Collie puppy who alternately screams his head off and tries to eat me; Dame, a twelve year old Lhasa Apso, who despite being the smallest animal in the house is capable of subduing a boxer five times her size. Did I mention that she hates me?; and Cleo, a docile Cocker Spaniel who is probably the only sane creature in the house(apart from me).
While Libby, Patch and Dame started barking their heads off, and I cringed, Cleo trotted over to my sofa and sat beside me. "Who do you think it is?" she asked, with a slight inclination of her head. I didn't hear her because I was curled up muttering to myself: "Make it stop, oh, please make it stop!" When the insanity finally petered down, I lifted my head over the back of the sofa to see what abomination had caused the noise. A human. How I despise them...
The humans then preceded to initiate a tiresome ritual involving hugging each other and baring their teeth in a most grotesque way. The dogs, predictably, had gone from barking to attempting to have intercourse with the newcomer's leg. Patch, not more than four months old, tastelessly made love to a limb. The humans, all four of them having gathered, looked embarrassed and attempted to pull Patch off. Patch, most disgruntled at the incomplete session, looked around for a new partner. His eyes fell on me. Before you could say "here we go again" I bounded down the corridor to one of the adolescent's rooms. To be precise, the younger one's. i jumped onto his bed and made myself comfortable near his pillow. Just as I was about to resume my slumber, the doorbell rang again. I contemplated suicide. Decided it was not worth it. The doorbell then proceeded to ring thirty more times. Maybe it was...
As the concentration of humans began to increase, so did the intake of alcohol, noise and nonsense. Cleo, having had enough of the ribald carousing taking place outside, also joined me in my current haven. However, it wasn't long before the decadent humanity spilled over into the last sanctum of sanity in the house. It was time to make an exit. Skillfully dodging the animals in house, human and dog both, I made my way to the front door.
It was open! I prepared to make a dash to freedom when out of the middle of nowhere, a loud, high-pitched shriek pierced the air. "Esme!" I turned around, my heart heavy with trepidation. A stupid mistake. I should have made a run for it while I still could.
Another interesting phenomenon with humans is how crowds break up. You have men discussing petty matters of no consequence like whose SUV was better. They also make pathetic jokes; you have women swilling wine and keeping an eye on their respective mates. And you have the kids looking sullen and generally unhappy to be where they are. There is a highly volatile sub-group present among the children comprised of shrill, giggling girls, capable, if provoked, of genocide.Their attention was fixated on Libby and Patch until one of those lousy [CENSORED] girls spotted me.
No comments:
Post a Comment